I love SoCal, And you know I love Springsteen

  Not really. That's an excerpt from Taylor Swift's new album, Lover. (Streaming now!!). I just thought it was cool how she referenced the two places I'm from.

  It reminds me, I've been out of CA for, what, 13 years now? How much time can pass before I can say "I'm from California," and have that be a relevant statement? I guess that doesn't matter. It will technically always be true; it's said that you can't change your birthplace or connection to it.

  Well, my family and I just celebrated my 21st birthday yesterday. It's on September 4th, but we're doing it early since I'll be moved into my new dorm by then. I've got most of my stuff packed up already. It's kind of crazy. I don't think it's fully registered in my head just yet. We went to Asbury Park Boardwalk, where they were gearing up for a free Jonas Brothers concert that's happening today, Sunday, around 7:30. There were giant disco balls swaying in the breeze above their stage.

  I wore a flowy, yellow and white, plaid-table-cloth pattern dress.

(Thanks for being the ever-dutiful 12-year-old photographer, Fiona.)

  My mom wrote "Happy Birthday Agent 47" on my Carvel cake, and that was funny. It had cookie monster filling. Since the people at Cheesecake Factory already sang to me though, my family didn't sing to me at home. There's a part of me that wishes that they did. However, I'm grateful for everything so I can't complain.

  I'm (pretty much) 21-years-old now. I feel a little babied, and a little guilty for that, but I guess it's alright. Living at home in your early 20s is nothing to be ashamed of, especially in 2019. We all go at different paces. So what if I still have my permit? I had a JOB for like three years! I paid off a huge chunk of student loans from Marymount, too. It's been a stressful, fun at times, boring at other times learning experience, and...I'm okay!

  I'll finally be learning about animation. That's a new thing to look forward to.

I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it

  The title for this post is from Taylor Swift's song, "All Too Well". I chose that particular line because I can relate to it a lot, as of recently. And, I've also been listening to her Red album a lot this past October. You know, Red is probably her saddest/most bitter album that she's put out there. I guess it kinda sucks that I can really relate to it so much now. But her songs on there are so truthful, emotional...so real.

  Red era Swift was so good. Her pop stuff now just feels airy, like there's much less heart put into it. Now don't get me wrong, "Blank Space" is still my jam. However, hits like "Style", "Out Of The Woods"--or even her most arguably emotional song from 1989--"This Love" can't quite hold up to her previous albums in terms of heart. But yeah can't blame her, I guess. Go where the money takes you...

  But back to "All Too Well"--I think it resonates with me a lot currently because of all of the stresses I'm going through. My mother is going through chemotherapy(And why do they call that a therapy, anyway? It doesn't soothe the recipient at all!). College, obviously(It actually makes me want to kill myself daily...). Loneliness. My father sneaking alcohol. 18th birthday was depressing. So even if I don't have a guy I'm hurting over, the song still fits my situation...It's just about being really sad over a situation you thought would go really well. And...it, uh, obviously didn't.

  One last thing before I end this post, too. I've had this sour feeling in my gut about an internet friend. I used to be there so much for her emotionally. And the thing is, I then realized she never/barely returned the gesture back to me when I was hurting. When she was having a breakdown, I typed words of encouragement. When I was upset, she merely "liked" the status. That's not the same. And it hurts a lot. This has happened so much, and not only with her, but with a lot of people in the past. I give a lot to you. You give nothing back.

  Why are people like that?